meshed potatoes

dichotomous affair, trina's wedding. church wedding in the morning had a waft of restraint stamped all over it, perhaps a little too much so (though lionel asserts the flow of affairs that i described to him to be standard issue). for this and perhaps some other reason(s) (read: return of chronic semi-depression + never actually been really that close to trina + dire lack of the spontaneity and familiarity one would expect from a group of friends who have known each other for more than a decade), somehow the ostensible beauty and romantic overtures one would associate with such events never really sank through, compounded possibly by the lingering sterile no-nonsense aura within the old parliament house (yet another testament to the omnipotence of Ones in White here on our fishbowl island).

dinner at sentosa at night however was quite a hoot; lots of familiar faces. zhiwei aka barnabas; NAC scholar doing well in mass comms whilst continuing his affair with his trombone to rather exhilarating levels of success (ok at least by my arguably conservative standards). glad that i still have some goodness left in my soul to sincerely feel really, really happy that he's doing well in life, but wistfully (and pathetically) wondering what i've been doing with mine. jiahao aka jae; if you are what you wear, i guess he's still pretty much the same, but inexplicably i actually didn't encounter much aversion to rekindle old ties (ok a little too gay for comfort but cut me some slack it's late); if anything i actually enjoyed the little banter i had with him, though gary probably wouldn't share my sentiments. otherwise, our own group, a whole bunch of familliar females who honestly look really much better than i remembered (all hail the power of makeup), couple of sb ppl and one particularly anorexic girl summed up most of the dhs contingent. learnt from jacky that jianye was having job training in the US; got a job in some american MNC, which sounds really promising. as with zhiwei, somewhat surprised that i felt so much happiness that he was doing well. thinking back of how we all were back in sec 1 (the photo of weitai jianye and me during cny at yibo's place comes to mind. that horrible green shirt i used to really love; so much for avant-garde fashion sense), it all seems so amazing.

the ambience was honestly pretty good, buoyed by the cool fallout after the showers earlier; the food and service however were locked in a long-drawn tussle for setting new lows, though i guess most would attest (yes yongrun we hear you) food quality won by a mile eventually, despite timely heroics by the auntie serving our table (i realise the karmic implications of such a statement, but still, i'm only commenting on her honestly appalling waitressing, not on her value as a person). that must have been the most enigmatic chicken dish i've ever eaten in a while.

crappy sound system undermined most attempts at humour by the best man/bridesmaid; sadly it killed our clip too. honestly, i was hoping for a much shorter and impactful edit, but yeah i know, i shouldn't complain since it was siehwoon who volunteered his time to work on it whilst i slouched away at home to "friends (season 8)" getting fatter munching on chips.

all that aside, i did get into a more celebratory mood eventually (though honestly, still far short of what i would have expected), and so was severely disappointed when the other guys save yongrun and me weren't keen on doing anything after we left. oh well. yet another wasted chance to actually hang out and really REALLY get to know each other for who we really are now instead of falling back to cardboard cutouts from a decade ago as a reference for character profiling. wake up and smell the air of apparent inescapability.

*************

pardon me as i try to disable the self-censorship code hardwired into my naked, cowardly and neurotically insecure psyche.

sometimes it worries me that i'm still masturbating so often these days. ok actually it worries me a lot, because i know it is not so much about horniness but a cheap hallucinogenic LSD for my dopamine fix. i've actually never really experienced its touted "stress-relief" umm benefits, but i do believe it is really effective in bleaching away all your bubbling angst, together with some other stuff. it's like resetting your BIOS really. now and then though i get a feeling that i fry some part of my brain whenever i do that; i don't know if that's true, but i do believe that that's what happens to whatever's left of my soul.

*************

without warning, my dad plonks onto my bed at 0400 and we have, believe it or not, our very first ever father-to-son talk (father+mother-to-son and frivolous banter not lasting more than five sentences don't count). and it went great, though inner demons and fear of stepping on vulnerabilities made me give a wide berth to certain topics. it's rather tricky to come up with just a couple of adjectives to describe my dad's life, but let's just say i think it would make a pretty good book. nothing epic, or involving cultural evolutions/sovereignty of satellite states/WMDs of rogue nations; just a story of a man's meandering journey through life, with more than a dash of poignancy and dramatic fate. the sting of being at a less enviable place than when he first started out is obviously still sore though, and i only hope that he will have a chance to look back at the very end thinking "i have lived, rich and well" rather than saddled with regrets. i've said it before, and i'll say it again: rather dismal levels of sensitivity at times aside, i believe my dad to be a truly great person; flawed certainly, but still fully respectable in his strength manifested in so many ways. i love you dad; i can only apologise for my cowardice in not being able to say this to you face to face. please let me have a chance to let him, and my mum of course, enjoy some carefree, enjoyable and fulfilling years as they near the end of their journey. please.

*************

on a side note, i'm still pretty screwed up inside. not really sure what to think or feel at times. sudden urges to hug someone like i used to emily in bed, but i know that the last ambers of what i perceived to be love for her before has died out. want to know if she needs her comp back soon, but afraid of establishing contact again.

saw a woman on the bus to tuition a few days back, and was captivated; she seemed to embody what i imagined would be someone i could and would share my life with, the apparent blandness infused unmistakably by a gentle, almost indiscernible touch of unique, pristine beauty, as if hinting of a flawed, benign soul in turmoil seeking its best to chart its way through life whilst grappling with deepset insecurities using wry wit, unobtrusive charm and gentle humour. a clear gem plain at first sight, yet breathtakingly, obviously special and beautiful upon closer inspection. in between my fitful naps i entertained thoughts of just chatting her up; and when she finally alighted along tanglin road, the bus seemed to darken, as did my day. i think i'm going crazy.

am still running away from everything associated with hall, acappella aside. i think i'm just running away from the "me" i became in hall.

the boy without a heart

it wasn't all that long ago that i still felt that familiar pang of fear laced with horror, at the possibility of being the source of hurt to the very person i would most loathe to hurt. what ever happened to it?

suddenly i remember the emotions rending through me two and a half years back, and the realisation of what she must be going through now slaps me in the face. have i really become such a monster that this basic empathy took so long to become apparent?

i really don't know how to deal with this. i think my harsh messages to her just now were totally uncalled for, and a horrible move. so much anger hiding in me.

i took 4-5 months to recover back then; how long will it take her now? who/what will she depend on for solace? i really don't know what part i should play in this. should i stay away? maybe she'll heal faster? should i act a bastard, and let hate salve the pain of love lost? should i linger around to smoothen her transition back to singlehood?

i look at how my own episode scarred me two years back, and shudder, with equal parts sorrow and guilt, at what possible mutations i have set off within her. i now believe that this is the worst thing i have done in my life.

i concede that i ask/asked too much of her, before and after the break.

i feel rather weary now, of relationships, even as some part within chuckles at the childishness and naivete of such a statement. suddenly, a life of solitude doesn't seem that bad; it may be what's best for me, and those around. porcupines should stay away from balloon displays.

distant murmurings

1. change is in the air; should be moving house soon if things go according to plan (barring a suddent windfall), after 16 years in this abode. all still tentative though. it is my belief now though that parents should always let their children in on the financial status of the family once they reach their mid-teens; helps in the growing process, especially when local kids are already so sheltered.

2. it feels good to be able to talk freely about everything (and i do mean everything) without fear of judgement; i guess freaks know freaks best. :)

3. rather lost about how to best relate to emily in this post-breakup phase; that we both wish our close friendship continues is beyond question, but i worry whether she can deal with it deep inside. should i consciously stay away for the time being to let her regain her balance? i'd healed fairly quickly once moving home back then with P, but seeing how i didn't exactly change into a very likable person thereafter, i wonder what effect purposeful distancing will have on emily now. got a rather uneasy feeling that she still remains very emotionally dependent on me though, and i fear she will inadvertently never fully move on. it is plausible though that the status quo is affected by stress over pupillage applications; i shall review it again once that, and her internship, is over.

4. sudden urge for a ktv session (or at least, to sing aloud bhb-ly ala back in my hall room); missing all those aca practice sessions and performances.

5. mixed feelings going back to hall; rather detached from it all. perhaps it is only over the past weeks since the sem ended that my mind finally accepted my departure from hall. took quite a while to get my energy levels back on par with the rest like dong and the aca ppl, but after a while i guess my persona gear shifted into place and it was like the old days again, though not quite. happy to meet cs when he came back to take photos in his convo garb, though conversation was a little stunted. really glad that he seemed to be doing well in his insurance dealings; but disappointed jianfa didn't come back with him. kinda miss him, even if we've never really been exactly close.

6. seemed to have forgotten how to make friends; or maybe my brain has decided to stop collecting. for how much i enjoy the company of the aca ppl, can't seem to relate and connect with any of them on a comfortable level, which is a real waste.

vortex

a night of revelations, truth, realisations, and tragic ironies.

please guide and protect her dear God, she deserves so much better.

a whimper of resistance from within; time for metamorphosis?

if only norton ghost worked on brains as well.

questions of the hour:

a. i feel my notion of self (in fact, my very character) to constantly change, very considerably at times (i mean, look at me now), according to my surroundings (location, activity, people). what does that mean?

b. in a bid to determine my fabled "dream" and "purpose in life", i examine all the roles and events that have transpired in my earlier years which i remember ever feeling fired up for, and realise the common factor boils down to pride. as in, i am motivated by personal pride. but pride is a shaky foundation, a sin even. so what do i do now? how am i to course a chart of action if its basis is as questionable as this? can such pride be good? if not, what do i do?

the name says it all

it seems that without an actual role/persona to play/fulfill, i've (d)evolved into a rather plain everyman. and the funny thing is, i actually feel at peace with myself, with how i am living my life right now, even as the more savvy part of my mind makes it a constant point to highlight that i am more existing than truly living. maybe this is the true me?

being alone, either holed up in my room or roaming around the streets, without the oppressive need to cater to the whims of another (no particular slant to anyone specifically) or work the small-talk mill, feels refreshing, and i silently rejoice in this simple freedom.

i don't think i'm keen to start on any relationship, nevermind boy or girl, anytime soon. i can just barely discern faint letters of "SDU" materialising in the far distance, but i shall disregard it for now.

good people, but i just cannot make myself be truly comfortable with them. some part of me actually wishes that i contract some terminal condition with an expiry date in two weeks' time, when i shall say one last sorry and goodbye, and spare them the snare that i somehow always unwittingly get them entangled in. but i cannot expire now; there are still my parents to think about. i would run away, but for the chains around my feet.

hello world

and here we go again.