the boy without a heart

it wasn't all that long ago that i still felt that familiar pang of fear laced with horror, at the possibility of being the source of hurt to the very person i would most loathe to hurt. what ever happened to it?

suddenly i remember the emotions rending through me two and a half years back, and the realisation of what she must be going through now slaps me in the face. have i really become such a monster that this basic empathy took so long to become apparent?

i really don't know how to deal with this. i think my harsh messages to her just now were totally uncalled for, and a horrible move. so much anger hiding in me.

i took 4-5 months to recover back then; how long will it take her now? who/what will she depend on for solace? i really don't know what part i should play in this. should i stay away? maybe she'll heal faster? should i act a bastard, and let hate salve the pain of love lost? should i linger around to smoothen her transition back to singlehood?

i look at how my own episode scarred me two years back, and shudder, with equal parts sorrow and guilt, at what possible mutations i have set off within her. i now believe that this is the worst thing i have done in my life.

i concede that i ask/asked too much of her, before and after the break.

i feel rather weary now, of relationships, even as some part within chuckles at the childishness and naivete of such a statement. suddenly, a life of solitude doesn't seem that bad; it may be what's best for me, and those around. porcupines should stay away from balloon displays.