breather

1. "wah so fast so tall liao ah? i remember you last time only like this *points at potted dumbcane*" = how i feel these days (the height thing, not the unfortunate reference to poisonous plants), only instead of me, the Perfect Kidnap Target replete with chubby cheeks (amongst other body parts), it is this blog that now silently marks the muted flypast of the seconds. didn't i just post an update three days ago? apparently not.

2. whilst all who actually read this drivel should know by now (yes all 4 of you), i actually disregarded foundation-of-civilisation level-headed rationality and came clean with the OC. despite the horrible circumstances* under which i verbal-diarrhoeaed relayed my thoughts to her, i'm grateful that it went more-or-less along what i'd hoped would happen (which, regrettably, does not include spontaneous smouldering making out; incidentally, the top recurring response from guys who've asked about how it went. sorry bosses i promise to try harder next time.). what can i say? she's cool lah. take that all you naysayers!

it's easy, of course, to use the non-negative end-results as justification for the the-elevator-is-here-it's-now-or-never-but-maybe-it's-not-such-a-good-idea split decision, but that'll really be missing the point. being, it was a blatantly selfish act ultimately, and i was lucky to get away without psychologically scarring the OC (at least, as perceived; sounds ludicrous i know, but i actually mean it), or burning any bridges. i do not regret it of course; in fact i can fully imagine myself seething in impotent frustration if i had actually not went ahead with it, but for now i am the intoxicated noob at the craps table who decided to stake his life-savings on the next hand and actually won, breaking into a slight cold sweat lying in bed that night thinking of what couldhavebeen. bottomline: next time don't anyhow anyhow wander into freaking casino please.

*highstrung from guilt-induced stress for the entire day? check. dingy they'll-only-find-your-corpse-during-annual-firedrill stairwell as location for confession? check. late for hosting wedding which you had previously shown misgivings concerns over couple's lack of serious planning, and joked about your punctuality-challenged co-host, who was actually already there? check. yippee.

3. the newest personal strategy to deal with paralyzing social awkwardness is simply to do first think later, or in some cases, quickly type and press enter before the locks come down. and so it was under such circumstances that i arranged to meet up with the mentee, after non-contact of... 2 years? it was hence heartwarming, of course, that the first words exchanged between us should feature gems such as ch** b** and h*** g** (seriously, how's that for breaking the ice). but no, it wasn't directed at me; apparently he'd flicked his cig stub onto the floor whilst waiting for me outside the station, and got caught by an uncle hiding in the corner (carpark-attendant aunties and ninja-anti-littering uncles - backbone of our nation.). fined $200, no less (and he had the credentials papers and all, so no it's not some fake ripoff thing). wonderful settings to rekindle ties, which probably contributed a little to the stunted conversation that marked the night. to be accurate, there was no ill-feeling between us; in fact, quite the opposite i'm sure, just a palpable unease on how to reconnect as peers instead of mentor-mentee. in the end, i was largely just smiling and listening to him mock-squabbling with V, a female friend (purely platonic) he'd brought along. glad that all was well in his family, and that he wasn't that bitter about unfulfilled basketball aspirations anymore, but didn't get to talk to him as deeply as i'd hoped. it'll take time to re-establish ties between us i guess; he, the estranged son, and me, the absentee dad who just finished serving time. we'll see how it goes.

4. and so The Dream Job remains ever so elusive.

5. alas, my accent is flying all over after only one week of talking to angmohs.

6. new colleagues are pleasant enough, though i can't help feeling like the new kid in class who joined only after the first three months, and it is awkward, waiting for the invitation to join in that never comes, existing in the grey undefined region between actual and perceived Social Outcast Nation. on some levels though i enjoy this different kind of freedom, being a free agent without allegiance to any clique, and it's interesting to note the undercurrents of the scourge known as office politics from my as-yet-unsullied vantage point. while i'm quite sure the pseudo-loner status will expire soon, for now it's back to the days at Engineering.

7. finally ktv-ed with P and jo after talking about it for, what, 4 years? whilst the company was very welcome, the flipside of realising how much sub-par your singing is is a little depressing. i need lessons.

8. it's very simple really; on one end there's getting the elusive golden dragonball card after splurging your past month's lunch money on that damned tikam machine, on the other end there's opening your mailbox on a very serene saturday to find an envelope like this:



alas, they have tracked me down. so it was with a heart full of trepidation (and not a little swearing) that i tore it open, to find:



more swearing, albeit of the omgitsrainingsonosoctraining variant. coupled with the new entry of that familiar nagging unease (=willineedtoeventuallyuseitsservices) yielded a rather heady feeling, and i just laughed suddenly. funny things, these mixed emotions.

9. quick flashback:

a) joyce's wedding - unfortunate mispronunciation of "fidelity" as "fatality", overly generous angbao from her, disappointing white russian, seeing YZ again after so long, relationships seem to be the only universal topic amongst the group
b) the departed - loved jack nicholson, bewildering cantonese, liked the singular female character (as compared to the numerous bland wallflowers in the HK version), secretly wish i could rattle off like dignam, preferred HK version more overall, NO ONE TOUCHES 黄秋生
c) suwei's wedding - haven't spoken so much proper chinese in front of a crowd since sec 2 诗歌朗诵 ala 火柴的生命 (omg i can actually still remember snippets), everybody relates to the humour of awkward moments, the enigma that is mr. yousteppedonmyfootsaysorry
d) dinner with yimin - slightly strange conversation slant, crashing of faux katana cabinet, horribly awkward, horribly funny

10. great weekend, and interestingly the part that shines most was the afternoon spent tidying up the room, reading, and generally lazing about with 周杰伦 playing in the backdrop. sweet.

retrovirus

farking difficult, it is.

humpty dumpty sitting on a freaking slippery fence

despite all the blogworthy things over the past week or so, eating into already paltry sleep time prior to a 17-hour first day at work = a very bad idea. yay more b(ack)logging.

me, metronome

speed blogging ready go

1. back to back 15 hour work days suddenly seem more meaningful when it's to ensure you don't pass your crap to others when you leave. whatever works i guess. i'm really sorry that i couldn't end it properly though, that guilt should haunt and overshadow the final moments.

2. loose ends, like radioactive mushrooms with herpes, keep on popping up, and amidst my head(-less chicken)long reduction efforts i remain a little distracted from the hypothetical drama that could occur tomorrow. to tell or not to tell? the polls stand at 4-for-8-against, interestingly with all for being girls and against, guys. i find it amusing that some simply cannot fathom the underlying motivation between my wish to tell, but in a way, i guess i am more the fool than them. damned rationality!

3. lack of inspiration bites me in the ass once more. ugh. time to activate plan B.

4. i am so not in the right state of mind to host tomorrow's wedding.

5. what a terribly wasteful way to end my days at lux.

6. a little goodwill goes a long way, and imbues the work with that much more meaning. it's sweet lah, the human connection.

7. it's worrying though, this very obvious lack of familiarity with my work even after 7 weeks, especially considering the assuredness exuded by my upperstudy when he was coaching me after a similar tenure. after action review another time, while i silently hope i fare better at the new place.

selectively epicurean

1. it's not so much the mundanity of work that gets to me, but the apparent lack of a bigger picture to work for. for all the little highlights and minute victories during the day which almost lulls one into imagined contentedness, there is no escaping the silent introspection as you trudge home after all is dark, having no answer to the man in the mirror asking: what do you work for? i am the self-centered kid on the bus, bobbing along to his mp3s in his seat, slowly cowering under the steely gaze of the old uncle standing beside him.

2. if there is to be an upside to having a oh-so-this-is-what-it-feels-like-to-be-roadkill crush, it is the newfound ease and assuredness with which one now interacts with other members of the opposite gender (ummm or whatever your inclination; this author is GBLT-friendly!), without fear that your supposed altruism and friendliness stems from less noble motivations. the lipsmacking irony of course lies in how you can now finally be your true unabashed self towards everyone except for the one that matters most, but i guess one must concede the delicious catch-22-esque humour in that.

3. one more week before i leave, and i start consciously taking stock of all that i'll be leaving behind. the OC was puzzled that i should feel such attachment given my short spell here, and to a certain extent, so am i. perhaps it's the rare instance of reality exceeding initial expectations (i of course refer solely to the people)? rather than imagine what it'd be like if the OC was taken out of the equation, it is precisely the amazing serendipity which brought together this exact mix of elements (yes, catty-HR/resident-office-bitch/cackling-witch-queen-boss inclusive) that finds me deeply grateful. i'm of course indulging in my almost-embarrassingly juvenile sappy sentimentalism again, but i am truly intrigued by the slight romanticism of it all, this crossing of paths, the goodwilled connection between people, however fleeting it may be. one could possibly launch into an entire thesis about how this symptomises the loneliness of the human condition and its accompanying yearning for intimacy, but thankfully for all of us, i'm not the one.

4. getting constantly paralysed by thought and weighing considerations is pissing me off. grow some balls dude.

5. visiting 爱琴海 is always inspiring, more so this time given the revelation that one of the singers is actually a banker by day. it is rather uplifting, nurturing this little dream, even if i'm not doing anything about it as yet. it is then that i realise how much i miss performing back in hall, and that it's been 2 years; it might as well have been another lifetime ago.

6. like real estate you parcel it out to certain special people who cross your paths, sometimes knowingly, other times not. regardless of the size however, you realise years down the road that like embassies, they still hold sovereign over that part of you, and that it never really goes away.

7. it's funny that i always profess to have changed quite a fair bit, whilst old friends insist i'm still the same. i'm just glad i no longer write as sappily as before, but then again, given the previous post, perhaps my old friends are right.

8. either i know a good thing when i see one, or i am simply a prized idiot. in a rare show of certainty, i strongly believe it's both.

i, whiner

so under the most unplanned circumstances, the OC and i end up having dinner together. and suddenly, i'm not so sure if going ahead with my confessional come the 20th is actually the best idea. letting go is insanely difficult, and i go slightly mad oscillating between depressive rationality, the twisted tragicomedy of the moment and the hallucinogenic high from the weed known as hope, that damned eczema of the mind that refuses to go away. it seems like i'm screwed no matter what i do.

i wanted to tell her i thought the funniest episode was the one where they played the game, and chandler+joey won mon's apartment. i wanted to tell her my favourite scene was when they viewed the tape. i wanted to tell her my favourite joke was chandler moving to 15 yemen road, yemen. i wanted to tell her i liked it best when ross and rachel were first together, and that it was never the same again after they were "on a break". i wanted to tell her i liked ross because he seemed the most complete character to me (well and that i related to his loserishness), even though chandler got all the best lines. i wanted to tell her i tried to delay watching the final episode, and that i too cried when it ended. but of course, multiple viewings of friends is no match for hardcoded social awkwardness.

why would gerrard ever want to play for sengkang fc?

whinewhinewhinewhinewhine. this post is damn blahhh, and highly unbecoming. sorry.

angst - high octane fuel for all your blogging needs!

you've gotta be kidding me

ok, so the OC just asked to "exchange blogs". it is so insanely twisted, i could just shoot myself.

bask

1. staying back to work on what should have been done last week, all the while indulging in our inner aunties as we finally air our petty grievances about work and catty colleagues; bitchy, politically incorrect, but oh so fun. one more thing i'll miss when it is time for me to go.

2. 80+ continuous repeats later, i am still hooked on this. it's semi-torturous, having to hold back when you just want to sing your heart out, almost like being unable to tell a girl you like her. oh wait...

3. going on a shopping spree without budgeting and on a drastically-emasculated paycheck = a very bad idea

3. funny that despite all the premonitions of a dull working life, the past month has been anything but uninteresting, and october looks crazier than ever. 2 weddings (where i'll feature as traffic controller and emcee respectively), bidding farewell to my tuition kid (i almost can't believe it's been two years), a potentially highly-emotional farewell to my colleagues + OC, and entering the strange new and seemingly foreboding world of banking; add in all the get-togethers, and it almost seems like action-overload, but it's all good.

4. finally met up with ZH for supper; amazed that it's been so long since we last met. it's perhaps a sad fact that our hand of friendship cards tend to dwindle over the years, but i glance at those whom i've managed to keep and remain humbly grateful; i wouldn't trade them for the world.

5. so he's gay too! omg.

6. hardly the best time to do such recaps, but it must be said that the past weeks have been rather magical; i can't phrase it without seemingly diffusing their almost supernatural heft, and even if i can only sum it up with the almost-trite "i guess God works in mysterious ways", it doesn't make it any less sincere as far as i'm concerned. after the sapping months of aimless floundering, i now see with amazing clarity how blessed i am, and i feel more alive than ever. it's refreshingly easy to just smile these days (and no it doesn't even have to do with the OC), and for that i give my deepest thanks.