breather

1. "wah so fast so tall liao ah? i remember you last time only like this *points at potted dumbcane*" = how i feel these days (the height thing, not the unfortunate reference to poisonous plants), only instead of me, the Perfect Kidnap Target replete with chubby cheeks (amongst other body parts), it is this blog that now silently marks the muted flypast of the seconds. didn't i just post an update three days ago? apparently not.

2. whilst all who actually read this drivel should know by now (yes all 4 of you), i actually disregarded foundation-of-civilisation level-headed rationality and came clean with the OC. despite the horrible circumstances* under which i verbal-diarrhoeaed relayed my thoughts to her, i'm grateful that it went more-or-less along what i'd hoped would happen (which, regrettably, does not include spontaneous smouldering making out; incidentally, the top recurring response from guys who've asked about how it went. sorry bosses i promise to try harder next time.). what can i say? she's cool lah. take that all you naysayers!

it's easy, of course, to use the non-negative end-results as justification for the the-elevator-is-here-it's-now-or-never-but-maybe-it's-not-such-a-good-idea split decision, but that'll really be missing the point. being, it was a blatantly selfish act ultimately, and i was lucky to get away without psychologically scarring the OC (at least, as perceived; sounds ludicrous i know, but i actually mean it), or burning any bridges. i do not regret it of course; in fact i can fully imagine myself seething in impotent frustration if i had actually not went ahead with it, but for now i am the intoxicated noob at the craps table who decided to stake his life-savings on the next hand and actually won, breaking into a slight cold sweat lying in bed that night thinking of what couldhavebeen. bottomline: next time don't anyhow anyhow wander into freaking casino please.

*highstrung from guilt-induced stress for the entire day? check. dingy they'll-only-find-your-corpse-during-annual-firedrill stairwell as location for confession? check. late for hosting wedding which you had previously shown misgivings concerns over couple's lack of serious planning, and joked about your punctuality-challenged co-host, who was actually already there? check. yippee.

3. the newest personal strategy to deal with paralyzing social awkwardness is simply to do first think later, or in some cases, quickly type and press enter before the locks come down. and so it was under such circumstances that i arranged to meet up with the mentee, after non-contact of... 2 years? it was hence heartwarming, of course, that the first words exchanged between us should feature gems such as ch** b** and h*** g** (seriously, how's that for breaking the ice). but no, it wasn't directed at me; apparently he'd flicked his cig stub onto the floor whilst waiting for me outside the station, and got caught by an uncle hiding in the corner (carpark-attendant aunties and ninja-anti-littering uncles - backbone of our nation.). fined $200, no less (and he had the credentials papers and all, so no it's not some fake ripoff thing). wonderful settings to rekindle ties, which probably contributed a little to the stunted conversation that marked the night. to be accurate, there was no ill-feeling between us; in fact, quite the opposite i'm sure, just a palpable unease on how to reconnect as peers instead of mentor-mentee. in the end, i was largely just smiling and listening to him mock-squabbling with V, a female friend (purely platonic) he'd brought along. glad that all was well in his family, and that he wasn't that bitter about unfulfilled basketball aspirations anymore, but didn't get to talk to him as deeply as i'd hoped. it'll take time to re-establish ties between us i guess; he, the estranged son, and me, the absentee dad who just finished serving time. we'll see how it goes.

4. and so The Dream Job remains ever so elusive.

5. alas, my accent is flying all over after only one week of talking to angmohs.

6. new colleagues are pleasant enough, though i can't help feeling like the new kid in class who joined only after the first three months, and it is awkward, waiting for the invitation to join in that never comes, existing in the grey undefined region between actual and perceived Social Outcast Nation. on some levels though i enjoy this different kind of freedom, being a free agent without allegiance to any clique, and it's interesting to note the undercurrents of the scourge known as office politics from my as-yet-unsullied vantage point. while i'm quite sure the pseudo-loner status will expire soon, for now it's back to the days at Engineering.

7. finally ktv-ed with P and jo after talking about it for, what, 4 years? whilst the company was very welcome, the flipside of realising how much sub-par your singing is is a little depressing. i need lessons.

8. it's very simple really; on one end there's getting the elusive golden dragonball card after splurging your past month's lunch money on that damned tikam machine, on the other end there's opening your mailbox on a very serene saturday to find an envelope like this:



alas, they have tracked me down. so it was with a heart full of trepidation (and not a little swearing) that i tore it open, to find:



more swearing, albeit of the omgitsrainingsonosoctraining variant. coupled with the new entry of that familiar nagging unease (=willineedtoeventuallyuseitsservices) yielded a rather heady feeling, and i just laughed suddenly. funny things, these mixed emotions.

9. quick flashback:

a) joyce's wedding - unfortunate mispronunciation of "fidelity" as "fatality", overly generous angbao from her, disappointing white russian, seeing YZ again after so long, relationships seem to be the only universal topic amongst the group
b) the departed - loved jack nicholson, bewildering cantonese, liked the singular female character (as compared to the numerous bland wallflowers in the HK version), secretly wish i could rattle off like dignam, preferred HK version more overall, NO ONE TOUCHES 黄秋生
c) suwei's wedding - haven't spoken so much proper chinese in front of a crowd since sec 2 诗歌朗诵 ala 火柴的生命 (omg i can actually still remember snippets), everybody relates to the humour of awkward moments, the enigma that is mr. yousteppedonmyfootsaysorry
d) dinner with yimin - slightly strange conversation slant, crashing of faux katana cabinet, horribly awkward, horribly funny

10. great weekend, and interestingly the part that shines most was the afternoon spent tidying up the room, reading, and generally lazing about with 周杰伦 playing in the backdrop. sweet.