bashing and bashing, and suddenly out in the open

busy weekend.

1. resumed contact with emily, though only via email correspondence. a little spat in the beginning, which is chiefly my fault, but am glad that alls well for now. am still worried about how she's dealing with the emotional fallout from our break, but am not in a position to help directly; can only pray i guess.

2. the long-spell of antisocialness seems to have fermented a rebound of positivity starting mid-last week; met up with xiaoling and jeremy with a long-missed feeling of anticipation (as compared to the usual state of dread). glad that they seem to be getting on fine in their own lives; in fact maybe meeting up with yeo ye soon. realised that perhaps the real reason why our class eventually dissolved so ignominiously (yah not really accurate use but something like that lah) is not so much for lack of a (few) central figure(s) to provide the necessary energy (ala qianyi. wonder how she's doing now...?), but rather an unfortunate mix of certain characters who never really liked each other. am glad however that there are still good sentiments between some of us.

3. revisiting of aiqinhai after 2 years (wow hadn't realised it was that long ago) with huayang and his friend was great; glad conversation with both of them went natural and well, and that cai lilian *gushing fanboy alert* really rocks. some part of me is still toying with going down for their auditions and all, though after seeing their standard (and listening to my own recordings via my new $329 friend) i guess i need more practice. felt real good to hear all those classics again though; risking sounding like a wannabe oldfart, i do agree that they don't make them like they used to anymore.

4. circuit training with victor in prep for ophir on sat; good news: it seems the itinerary was pretty well-weighted. bad news: my fitness sucks so bad i took about 10 min to recover from the familiar feelings of nausea and blocked ears after the horsestance part, while vic finished the final portions without much of a hiccup (certain muscles which i hadn't known could ache are still aching right now). the upside though was a nice breakfast with vic, where i learnt more about him. it's funny really, thinking back on when i first volunteered back at clementi scs in part to learn from his management skills and where we are now. agreed to join him and his friend (a certain mingfu, who has become the second person after dear hoifu to mistake me for a prc.. must be all the "fu"s) for standard chartered's marathon in dec (umm 10 km only; i imagine my legs will sever their own tendons if they thought i was going to attempt another half-marathon, let alone a full one). kinda looking forward to the training (even though some part of me recalls the "apparent ease" in which i ran 12 km last sep without training and scoffs); good way to force myself back to fitness.

5. went to spookfest (a horror-themed magic show hosted by fcbc) at night, and went through something similar to that fateful night almost 4 years ago; though in some ways, different. found myself approaching the whole acceptance of Christ thing in a rather different manner, which, despite the lack of elaboration here, actually feels more... "right" than before. even as the engine of cynicism inside my brain goes into overdrive, it is overpowered by a stronger sense of..."purpose"?... which was not there before. not sure if i'll fall away from the light again, but for now, i feel a certain sense of peace which has eluded me for the longest time, which i perceive as that this cannot be something bad. it's funny how i contradict myself, with a foot in each half; how i pray even though i admit that i don't fully believe in there being a God, how i say i'm not convinced even while i tear uncontrollably with an almost palpable sense of forgiveness from the Lord washing through me. in any case, here i am on this road again; similar, only different.

6. finally called up jerome after not contacting him (read: shunning him) for the last 2 years or so to apologise for my childish, almost cruel treatment. gracious and pious as he has always been, forgave me over the phone (he'd left by the time i plucked up the courage to look him up) despite my strangely-toned (in retrospect, even almost aggressive) apology. supposed to meet up this coming sunday; there is the resident whiff of aversion, but this time there is a strong sense of anticipation as well, which is extremely rare. will get back in touch with daryl soon as well; another one to whom i owe an apology.

7. maybe the Lord really is manifesting himself in my life; been surprisingly energetic (emotionally, if not physically) today. hell, i even took the initiative to introduce myself and stuff at the sociology tutorial (which is something like getting a hydrophobic kid to dive into the pool). whilst it may be explained by the final attainment of nirvana-esque bochupness that only age can bring, something tells me it's something more than that.

8. got my first test earlier on; a fortunate (or merciful intervention by God, if you will) stop at certain sites helped tide me over. i know the tests will get harder; i hope i do well.

pop quiz I

well it's been awhile since i last did such stuff so...

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 94% Postmodernist 50% Idealist 40% Fundamentalist 40% Romanticist 44% Existentialist 44% Materialist 38% Modernist 25% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

would fly away, but for fear of heights

i feel like running away to some obscure corner of the world, living by myself where no one knows me, maybe help some less fortunate ppl so that they do not grow into someone like me. and if things don't turn out right, i'll just kill myself there, in a place where no one will ever know, or mourn. i almost want to say that i won't do all these because i still need to take care of my parents, until i concede that my own cowardice is a more plausible reason.

awkwardly heroic mammaries

didn't go for rag day in the end; ostensibly cos i'm sick and that lionel drove the van out, but i guess we all know the truth runs ever so slightly deeper than that. perhaps it's all for the best anyway; no need to face the awkwardness of meeting so many people whom i was once rather chummy with but have somehow drifted away from, the awkwardness of wandering around the field knowing deep inside i have no one i can actually hang around with, the awkwardness of the moment when everyone screams and hugs and cries, sharing in the bright flash of common happiness/grief whilst i watch on, knowing i can't fully share in it since i didn't play any part in it. watching movies and having meals alone is one thing, but such feelings of loneliness and solitude amongst familiar faces is a little more than i can bear.

so i run.

haven't been sleeping well the past few days; or, come to think of it, ever since i moved back in jan. something to do with lack of proper circulation i guess, with just the door (which actually links only to the living room rather than the outside world) acting as sole ventilation vent. which kinda constitutes the little part within that wouldn't mind moving, despite the excellent location we have now; my room is really huge for me to utilise fully anyway, and i miss the view and fresh air i used to have back in hall.

watching The Romance of The Three Kingdoms (Guan Yu and Cao Cao just died) on tv brought back many memories; when i first started playing RTK2 (the definitive, quintessential game for my generation) during p3-4; blowing away $100 for both volumes of the English version during p5 (last i checked, the same two books are now selling for ~$15 per volume. whatever happened to inflation?); acquiring the unabridged Chinese original (written in totally classical, archaic and stupefying syntax) around sec2 and thereafter often lugging it around, together with a hugeass dictionary, down to my parents' old electronics shop at albert complex (the present spot has been converted to a departmental store. not sure if it's OG or 2nd Chance); being totally proud of being a hardcore RTK junkie (played the game[s], read the books [both languages], watched the cartoon, watched the serial. such a wannabe geek). still, despite knowing most of the story by heart, watching liu bei mourn guan yu's death and how cao cao tormented hua tuo to death touched the familiar chords of emotions within, together with all the other poignant and dramatic episodes throughout the series. i guess i was always bought over by the sense of heroism and epical scope, similar to my fixation with Dragonlance (i still stand by my love for the chronicles and legends series, despite mah's assertion that they really weren't good books at all. actually, i concede their weak points, but i loved the way the characters were made real and human [or elf or dwarf; you get my drift]) or for that matter most things to do with RPG stuff. they provided a world where i could leave behind my little insecurities and do something big (which, rather embarassingly for the collective creativity of all fantasy authors, invariably deals with saving the world), to be given the chance to be the hero and avenge all the inadequacies i have in real life. yeah yeah i know it's all arguably childish and actually improbable (die anonymously in a noble sacrifice to save the rest of the ungrateful human population? no thanks i'll just have a coke with some fries please), but i guess that's escapism for you.

school's starting in two days; so the three months have ended ultimately. i actually feel rather peaceful about the way i've spent it, which is in no particular useful venture. a sign of age mellowing impetuousness of youth, soothing the insatiable need for proving one's self worth, or simply a symptom of starting to settle for less? you be the judge.

little sampan

1. after getting my ego rather trampled by failing to get any of my 8 FYP choices, and having to settle for some supposedly 3rd rate topic hailing from the legendary lands of Arcane Obscura, i've somehow landed a project that'll have me doing research work in IBN, A*STAR, which, i believe for more than a very big handful of my peers out there, to be akin to winning willy wonka's golden ticket. another testament perhaps that God hasn't given up on me, even if i cannot say the same for myself.

2. the past months of inactivity have perhaps allowed general optimism levels to reach uncharacteristically high levels which i cannot objectively justify, but this feeling of being on the start of what promises to be an exciting ride is, simply put, great. yet this feeling is not alien; i remember having this feeling at the start of almost every sem before, and look what happened eventually; it's almost like a core module that i keep failing.

3. surfing onto Skritch and reading about all of their bios made me feel... wistful? i see what they're doing with their lives, and as is my usual habit, look on what i've been doing (which is, like, nothing much). despite having the customary self-esteem innoculations, the visceral feelings of inadequacy and envy are hard to stave off; what have i got to show as a member of this privileged generation, where the rest of my peers have scored personal victories to justify the sacrifices of our parents?

4. no man is an island, but sometimes it's just easier to be one. yet deep inside i know what i really crave is a sense of belonging, a sense of simple, unpretentious friendship. perhaps this is the true motivation behind all the warcraft back in hall; it was never about the actual game itself, but rather the concept of a team, a group, something i could belong to and achieve something together. thinking of which, acappella has perhaps some similar motivations. also explains the fuzzy feeling when i first saw the first harry potter instalment many, many moons ago; wouldn't it be great to be part of the trio, knowing that you share something so unique and having friends who will journey to the ends of the world with you? i wonder about why this seems so hard to achieve, and am bewilderingly stumped. is the idea of having a close-knit group of friends who actually feel genuinely thrilled to be together so unattainable? maybe it is, because there are people like me who are too guarded, too judgemental, too selfish. or maybe i've just watched too many episodes of friends.

5. i wonder if my parents silently sigh as they lay in bed at night wondering why their son has turned out to be such an abject underachiever.

6. rag day draws close; once i would have been looking forward to the chance to meet friends long missed, but now i'm not so sure. why do i keep running?

7. intentionally willing myself to override all those self-censorship checks and just say/do what i genuinely feel these days; not too sure if it's all a good idea, but think tempered honesty should be a welcome change... isn't it?