little sampan

1. after getting my ego rather trampled by failing to get any of my 8 FYP choices, and having to settle for some supposedly 3rd rate topic hailing from the legendary lands of Arcane Obscura, i've somehow landed a project that'll have me doing research work in IBN, A*STAR, which, i believe for more than a very big handful of my peers out there, to be akin to winning willy wonka's golden ticket. another testament perhaps that God hasn't given up on me, even if i cannot say the same for myself.

2. the past months of inactivity have perhaps allowed general optimism levels to reach uncharacteristically high levels which i cannot objectively justify, but this feeling of being on the start of what promises to be an exciting ride is, simply put, great. yet this feeling is not alien; i remember having this feeling at the start of almost every sem before, and look what happened eventually; it's almost like a core module that i keep failing.

3. surfing onto Skritch and reading about all of their bios made me feel... wistful? i see what they're doing with their lives, and as is my usual habit, look on what i've been doing (which is, like, nothing much). despite having the customary self-esteem innoculations, the visceral feelings of inadequacy and envy are hard to stave off; what have i got to show as a member of this privileged generation, where the rest of my peers have scored personal victories to justify the sacrifices of our parents?

4. no man is an island, but sometimes it's just easier to be one. yet deep inside i know what i really crave is a sense of belonging, a sense of simple, unpretentious friendship. perhaps this is the true motivation behind all the warcraft back in hall; it was never about the actual game itself, but rather the concept of a team, a group, something i could belong to and achieve something together. thinking of which, acappella has perhaps some similar motivations. also explains the fuzzy feeling when i first saw the first harry potter instalment many, many moons ago; wouldn't it be great to be part of the trio, knowing that you share something so unique and having friends who will journey to the ends of the world with you? i wonder about why this seems so hard to achieve, and am bewilderingly stumped. is the idea of having a close-knit group of friends who actually feel genuinely thrilled to be together so unattainable? maybe it is, because there are people like me who are too guarded, too judgemental, too selfish. or maybe i've just watched too many episodes of friends.

5. i wonder if my parents silently sigh as they lay in bed at night wondering why their son has turned out to be such an abject underachiever.

6. rag day draws close; once i would have been looking forward to the chance to meet friends long missed, but now i'm not so sure. why do i keep running?

7. intentionally willing myself to override all those self-censorship checks and just say/do what i genuinely feel these days; not too sure if it's all a good idea, but think tempered honesty should be a welcome change... isn't it?