awkwardly heroic mammaries

didn't go for rag day in the end; ostensibly cos i'm sick and that lionel drove the van out, but i guess we all know the truth runs ever so slightly deeper than that. perhaps it's all for the best anyway; no need to face the awkwardness of meeting so many people whom i was once rather chummy with but have somehow drifted away from, the awkwardness of wandering around the field knowing deep inside i have no one i can actually hang around with, the awkwardness of the moment when everyone screams and hugs and cries, sharing in the bright flash of common happiness/grief whilst i watch on, knowing i can't fully share in it since i didn't play any part in it. watching movies and having meals alone is one thing, but such feelings of loneliness and solitude amongst familiar faces is a little more than i can bear.

so i run.

haven't been sleeping well the past few days; or, come to think of it, ever since i moved back in jan. something to do with lack of proper circulation i guess, with just the door (which actually links only to the living room rather than the outside world) acting as sole ventilation vent. which kinda constitutes the little part within that wouldn't mind moving, despite the excellent location we have now; my room is really huge for me to utilise fully anyway, and i miss the view and fresh air i used to have back in hall.

watching The Romance of The Three Kingdoms (Guan Yu and Cao Cao just died) on tv brought back many memories; when i first started playing RTK2 (the definitive, quintessential game for my generation) during p3-4; blowing away $100 for both volumes of the English version during p5 (last i checked, the same two books are now selling for ~$15 per volume. whatever happened to inflation?); acquiring the unabridged Chinese original (written in totally classical, archaic and stupefying syntax) around sec2 and thereafter often lugging it around, together with a hugeass dictionary, down to my parents' old electronics shop at albert complex (the present spot has been converted to a departmental store. not sure if it's OG or 2nd Chance); being totally proud of being a hardcore RTK junkie (played the game[s], read the books [both languages], watched the cartoon, watched the serial. such a wannabe geek). still, despite knowing most of the story by heart, watching liu bei mourn guan yu's death and how cao cao tormented hua tuo to death touched the familiar chords of emotions within, together with all the other poignant and dramatic episodes throughout the series. i guess i was always bought over by the sense of heroism and epical scope, similar to my fixation with Dragonlance (i still stand by my love for the chronicles and legends series, despite mah's assertion that they really weren't good books at all. actually, i concede their weak points, but i loved the way the characters were made real and human [or elf or dwarf; you get my drift]) or for that matter most things to do with RPG stuff. they provided a world where i could leave behind my little insecurities and do something big (which, rather embarassingly for the collective creativity of all fantasy authors, invariably deals with saving the world), to be given the chance to be the hero and avenge all the inadequacies i have in real life. yeah yeah i know it's all arguably childish and actually improbable (die anonymously in a noble sacrifice to save the rest of the ungrateful human population? no thanks i'll just have a coke with some fries please), but i guess that's escapism for you.

school's starting in two days; so the three months have ended ultimately. i actually feel rather peaceful about the way i've spent it, which is in no particular useful venture. a sign of age mellowing impetuousness of youth, soothing the insatiable need for proving one's self worth, or simply a symptom of starting to settle for less? you be the judge.